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Monday, April 24th, 2006
9:28 pm
UGHHH
im so freaking miserable. like seriously. for the first time in the last year and a half of my life, i do not want to be with my boyfriend anymore. like i dont know. hes the most wonderful person ive ever met.. seriously. i love him with all of my heart and cannot picture my life without him but there are times when he just makes me so unhappy. so unhappy that i just want to bust into tears every time i think about him. he doesnt seem to care about me anymore... at all. he doesnt seem to love me. he doesnt ever hold my hand, kiss me, touch me. i feel like im in a relationship with myself and nomatter how hard i try, its never going to be good enough. and stupid little things. he told me he'd help me with my paper that i know is already late. its my fault for waiting til the last minute.. i know. but when i ask for him help today hes like.. i can't do it. like don't tell me you'll help and then you don't. so i leave. say im going home to kenner. does he try to see if im ok? nope. just let me go! i just dont feel loved or wanted anymore. i know im probably not being as rational as i should but i really dont. i dont know what to do. this is what it feels like to have a broken heart. SUCKSUCKSUcKS

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Sunday, November 6th, 2005
12:58 pm
man. i dont even know where to start. well i guess with the good news. roger is buying a house in hammond. itsso cute,, right by SLU. im SO happy.. but its like thats the only thing that is making me happy. im not happy in my relationship anymore. i dont think he loves me like he used to. in fact im almost positive he doesnt. if he did then he would show it.. at least a little bit. im so like torn right now. i want to leave him so he will be happy and i won't have to bitch about him not showing me he loves me but then i don't know what i'd do without him. he's my whole life. hes the person i want to spendthe rest of my life with. honestly. and i want things to get better before we get the house because i want to know that its not always going to be like this.. and i don't want to move out and everything and then find out that its never going to get better. i don't know if i would be able to stay with him for much longer if things dont get better. and like.. i miss being intimate with him.. i really do. i know with our current situation we cant really but like.. its hard and i know its aggervating him but like i dont know. i dont want it to be that every time we cant have sex he treats me like im nothing special. thats not fair. and i dont know.. it would be different if things dont change because he was never told about how i feel but ive told him straight up.. and ive cried about it and NOTHIng has been changed. i dont get hugs and kisses goodnight.. he doesnt EVEr hold my hand anymore.. he doesnt really hardly pay attentiont o me anymore. its like im jus there and i dont like it at all. oh well. maybe things will get better when we move in together and we actually get in a routine and have some more alone time and actually get to sleep on a bed instead of a sofa or air mattress or just the ground.. and we'll be able to sleep together. i can't wait til it gets better again... hopefully..

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Tuesday, May 31st, 2005
12:06 am
i feel like my world is crashing down. i want to just give up and say its over. i dont understand. like at all. all i want is to curl up in a ball and cry but i cant because hes here. hes always here and usually it doesnt bother me until now. we had a huge fight last night and today we seemed finebut i dont know anymore. i dont know if we will even make it. im not sujre he even wants us to. maybe he'd love to meet some like georgous hott young blonde or something. i dont know what else to do. maybe if i go on a really serious diet he'll change his mind. maybe if i work harder to make myself pretty. i guessi always just felt so comfortable with him and never thought id ever think that i would have to change for him but i guess i was wrong. starting tomorrow.. strict diet. ill start working out and swimming everyday. i never thought id change for a guy..but hes special to me. i just hope it works.
:(

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Friday, May 13th, 2005
2:51 pm
ahh.. home again! school is out. im so happy about that but im really stressed because i dont know if i still have TOPS or not and dads gonna be really upset and disappointed if i dont but theres nothing i can do now. i thought i had a C in chemistry but i just looked on LeoNet and its a B so that helps me out alot.. like ALOT. im gonna miss living in hammond with amanda. we had our times where i know we got on each others nerves but like.. i love her to death. i cried when i was packing my stuff yesterday. i know i'll still talk to her and visit her when she moves into her new apt. we've been friends for wayyy too long to let this be the end. but yeah. i have work tonight. im not excited. its gonna rain but at least we wont have to wax tonight. mike is having a party at his house for ashley. im gonna stop by but i doubt ill stay long. roger is gone sleeping somewhere with the army and like.. i feel like i need my time. like time alone away from everyone to just relax and take care of everything i need to take care of like my room. tomorrows the cancer benefit. im gonna go stop by even if its only for a few minutes. i think rogers gonna come home to go with me which would be nice but it wouldnt be good for him at all because he'll have to wake up at 4am to go back up to mississippi. its a waste of time and gas. i guess we'll talk about it later. ill let him make the decision. im gonna go finish my room and start cleaning clothes. the new washer and dryers here! woo now i dont have to go to my moms house or get roger to wash them at his apt anymoree!

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Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
9:15 pm
today sucked. like everything about it sucked. roger left this morning and i wasnt feeling good so i went back to sleep.. was gonna wake up and take a shower before having lunch with him but didnt so i got up and put on clothes and was on my way to see him for lunch and BAM! some black old man hits my car. so now i dont have a car and whats worse is that the wreck might be charged against me since there were no witnesses.. basically its my word against his and yeah. so that totally screws me over. mom said shes gonna fight it in court if she has to and she said we'd probably win but yeah it just still sucks. the old man was so out of it. like old people like him shouldnt be able to drive. bus pass. he almost drove off today with his trunk wide open.. the cop was like wtf u idiot. but yeah. and we dont know what to do about a car for me because we dont know if it will be cheaper to fix the one i have now or buy a new one and we still have to wait for the insuance to figure everything out. ugh. it sucks. i cant wait til roger gets off of work. i just want to see him so bad and i want him to tell me everything will be okay. i know hes told me already but its just so much different when hes holding me in his arms and looking into my eyes. im so lucky to have him.. i really am

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Thursday, March 24th, 2005
2:57 am
its so funny how people change so quickly.. and im not even sure of why it suprised me so much. i dont know. i guess deep down i tried to believe that this person wasnt easily influenced by people but i knew i was wrong. it sucks because i thought i actually had a good friend.. but yeah.
anyways.. im sick of dealing with my dad. likehes turning more and more into an alcoholic and its so upsetting. like i guess i never thought of my dad drinking as a bad thing. he was the 'cool dad' but now its like.. actually getting serious. somethings gotta change because i cant take waiting up for him every night and when i move back home its just going to get worse.
im not exactly sure whats going on with me and roger. like we are doing wonderful.. no fighting and stuff but like.. i dont know. i still dont feel special anymore. like we have gotten so comfortable and stuff that its like.. i dont get a kiss goodnight anymore. and he doesnt hold me as tight when we sleep.. or cover up my feet. the little things... it makes me wonder if this relationship is really woth it. like i know it is and stuff and im so happy that we are still together and going strong but i just want to feel special like i used to. i was reading the old cards and letters he gave me and like it just made me cry so much. now i have to beg him to send me an email. i know hes really busy and working hard and he has other things that he has to do but like i wish every now and then he would just do something nice for me.. like write a little letter just saying 'i love you' or something. i dont know. life is getting too complicated

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Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
9:08 pm
i have THE BEST boyfriend ever. even though we fight, things are still soo wonderful. i cant even think of any other way to say it. we make 8 months on saturday. im gonna treat him to something nice.. ii have it all planned out. i just hope the weather is okay. i cant wait. i cant believe its been 8 months already. like it seems like its been such a long time but then again it doesnt seem like we've been together for a while. i dont know. im so happy though. hes gonna teach me how to cook monterey chicken tonightt! cuz we had it for dinner last night at chilis.. well HE had it for dinner and neither of us ate it because we had soo much food but like i tried it before and it was SO good! so we are making it tonight anddd then we are gonna clean the fishtank out and who knows what we are gonna do afer that. im just so happy hes here with me.

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Saturday, March 5th, 2005
12:59 pm
everything is all rocky again. its like.. whenever we are about to go to sleep we fight. its just because we are tired. it still sucks though. im not sure whats going to happen. anyway i had work last night. it sucked because i was back down to serving again but hey i need the money so its okay. the wedding went by quickkk too. like really fast. and we didnt have to reset which was wonderful and i have work again in like an hour. its nice to actually be working again and doing something. roger left this morning for drill and wont be back until tomorrow evening. he said he was gonna call me during lunch buttt he didnt so yeah. im not sure whats up with that. im just not even gonna care and if he calls me later then he calls.. but ill be at work so its not like we will talk but yeah. maybe we need to just take a step back. like not a big step but like.. i dont know. i have no idea what the solution is.i guess we will just see what happens.hes supposed to change the water in my fishtank tomorrow but hes gotta go to his parents house and do some stuff plus homework so yeah ill probably be doing it myself but i HATE touching fishy water. hm.. what elseee.. i have some school work to do. im gonna do it all day tomorrow. doubt that will actually happen but yeah. my new gpaw is coming in town today and i freaking woke up to go to my moms house and see him and hes not even there yet. he was supposed to be there for 12 but he LEFT at 12 from eden isles soo yeah. another 45 minutes to wait and i wasnt just gonna sit over there to see them for like 5 minutes and then rush to get ready for work. wasnt gonna happen. so now i dont get to see him which is okay im not like totally crushed but yeah. anyways im gonna get going to work

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Thursday, February 24th, 2005
11:04 pm
its been almost a week since our talk.. and things have been wonderful since. i know that doesnt seem like a long time, but after fighting for almost two months, its a big deal. im so happy that he got to talk to michelle. it has made such a big difference in our relationship. we actually look forward to seeing each other, and every minute we are together isnt spent fighting. im not sure what the change was. maybe he just needed to talk to someone else and then actually talk to me.. maybe we both needed to sleep and get our schoolwork and crap done. maybe we just both realized things that we hadnt thought about in a while. whatever happened changed everything. it has made everything in my life so much better. i dont spend almost every night wondering if its going to be a good day or a bad day when i wake up.. or wondering how long its actually going to take before one of us just ends it. everything about our relationship has gotten 100% better.. and we are both doing good in school. its so great

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Sunday, February 13th, 2005
2:14 am
i love him so much. even though he wasnt here, he made my day completely wonderful. we didnt talk much.. but when we did talk it was amazing. he was so sweet.. loving.. made me feel completely wonderful. i love this feeling. he didnt buy me a thing and im still so happy. i knew the whole being apart thing wouldnt do anything but help us. after our little fight type thing last night, he called and said sorry plus said lots of other sweet things. we just both have issues that we need to work out.. i need to stop being so bitchy and trust him whenever i start to freak out and he tells me everything will be okay. im not sure why i dont believe him sometimes. hes ALWAYS made everything work perfectly. i still continue to worry though.. im weird. im gonna work on those two things and then that will make him happier which will just make everything all better.. like it was a month ago. hes so sweet. i love him with all of my heart.

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Friday, February 11th, 2005
10:15 pm
its almost 7 months. hard to believe. he leaves in the morning for like 5 days. maybe the time apart will be good for us. im not even sure whats going on anymore. i feel like we arent going to make it much further. its so weird saying that because i could see myself spending the whole rest of my life with him. i think that would be a wonderful thing but i dont know. lately i just dont feel loved. he doesnt do all the little things anymore. i havent heard "i love you" in a month exactly.. well it will be a month in like two hours. the last time he told me was on our 6 months on the boat. that was a wonderful night. i felt like all my dreams had come true. lately it seems like all we do is fight. he doesnt seem to want to be around me anymore. it seems like its more of a chore than a passion now. i dont know. i know i did alot of crap to make him feel stupid for trying to make me so happy, but i just dont understand why he cant tell me he loves me. it breaks my heart every night. he can go to bed peacefully and sleep so good without telling me goodnight or that he loves me. we even talked about it mardi gras night. he said "ill keep that in mind." its been almost 5 days since i told him how i felt and still nothing. i dont know what to do. im trying my hardest to make him happy.. i really am. im trying everything to just make his life easier but now i feel like i owe it to him. like i HAVE to give it to him in order to feel loved and wanted. it sucks. i hate the feeling. maybe the time apart will be good. i know we arent going to talk much because its "uncool" for him to stay on the phone with me for too long around his army buddies.. or hes just too busy and doesnt care to talk to me.. which hurts just as much but whatever. i hate looking at this beautiful ring on my finger and thinking that he gave it to me because he felt like he had to. im sure thats not why he did it, but lately thats the feeling i get being that hes only been REALLY loving and affectionate to me that one day in the last month. and hes gonna be gone for our 7 months and valentines day which is going to suck. another one alone! im used to it by now.. i really am. he says we will do it the weekend after but im not going to remind him. i want to see if hes going to remember and do something nice. i wanted to do something nice for him tonight but he was tired which is understandable. he hasnt slept much.. neither have i. i feel sick. i wish i wasnt getting sick right around the time hes leaving. i want him to be here with me.. i want him to take care of me. i just want him to love me like he used to..
i want to get drunk. i need to get drunk. maybe ill do that til roger comes back. that would be wonderful.. forget everything and be drunk for 5 days.

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Tuesday, February 1st, 2005
8:05 pm
so i just found out that ray broke up with his gf of 3 years. i would hate to be in a relationship for so long and then not even see the break up coming. i dont know what i would do. today has been such a weird day. first i thought talking to joey was really strange considering i havent talked to him in FOREVER but i mean it doesnt matter.. then talking to ray. that was like two random IMs that i got today. oh well. it was really nice to hear from both of them. me and roger are fine again. we actually talked about what happened sunday and then had a nice bubble bath. i went to some experiment thing for psychology today.. it was supposed to take an hr but it only took like 20 minutes. then i went to the lab anddd walked to the SAC and worked out with ashlie and amanda! now im waiting for my baby to finish his homework and call me

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Monday, January 31st, 2005
10:36 pm
so the weekend was wonderful. everything was great. no fight between us at all.. until sunday night. im still not exactly sure why we fought.. i hate when this happens. im still not even sure if we are okay yet. he seems to be a little distant from me but not exactly mad. maybe its just be being paranoid. i wish we could talk about it. i dont like it when we fight and then just say sorry and its over. like i dont mind it sometimes but other times when im completely clueless why we were fighting just aggervates me. i know i keep doign the same thing that pisses him off all the time but i STILL have no idea what that is. i wish we could be happy again.. like we used to. i mean the good times are great but other than that yea. i really could just curl up in my bed and cry. i did that last night and ended up falling asleep. i didnt sleep good at all though because i knew he was mad at me and the fact that he didnt want to talk to me before he went to bed upset me even more. like just knowing that he could let us stay mad at each other overnight just upsets me. oh well. im sure everything will be fine. school sucked today. im almost done with my english stuff though which is awesome.
my kenny chesney cd came in today. roger brought it up to me. im so excited. thats the only thing that ive really been looking forward to all day. i looked forward to seeing him too but i feel like he doesnt want to be here to see me. i dont know. going to listen to my cd bye

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Monday, January 24th, 2005
10:50 pm
yahh. havent typed much in here lately. schools going good so far.. im actually doing homework and stuff. its kinda different but yeah. hammond sucks. i cant wait to go back to kenner for good. theres so many thigns i like about being here but everything i really love is back home. me and roger are great i guess.. been kinda rocky lately but i think things are gonna get better. hes a great guy and id hate to lose him but yeah. i know hes not going anywhere. i just get really nervous when he gets angry or pissed or aggervated with me. it sucks knowing that you would do everything possible just to make one single person happy, and you cant even do that half the time.. and seeing him get all upset just breaks my heart every time because id do whatever i could just to make him happy. knowing i cant always do that is sometimes like a kick in the butt. sometimes i dont even feel like we are in love anymore. i hate that feeling. sometimes i feel like hes only with me because he doesnt want to hurt me but then other times its like so wonderful.. like completely amazing. i guess maybe its just because our relationship isnt new and exciting anymore but id love to just go back to the days when he would tell me he loves me and hes happy to be with me and just like.. hold my hand because i was standing next to him or drive from georgia to hammond just to suprise me. i guess i blew it when i made him feel like i didnt appreciate it as much as i should have. i mean i appreciate everything hes done for me and i tell him that but sometimes i guess maybe he just doesnt believe me or something. i dont know. i just dont know any ways to prove to him how much i really do appreciate everything and how happy i am that hes in my life. im just not the type to come up with things like that. i hope everything works out. i really dont want anything bad to happen. oh well.. i guess whatever happens will happen.
anyway, he did drive up here today.. not sure if its because i asked him a few times or if he was planning on doing it anyway. im glad hes here though. me him and ashlie are gonna watch a movie.. probably the forgotten or something. id love to watch a scary or freaky movie and just cuddle with roger but im not sure if that movie is really scary. kbye

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Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
12:48 am
today roger and i make 6 months. it seems like its been so much longer but these have been the best 6 months of my life. monday i thought it was all over, but then i realized that he wont give up on us as easy as i thought. even though he was aggervated with me, we are still together. ive never been so scared though. it really was a big wake up call.. i could lose him so quickly if i dont treat him right. i always say im going to treat him better, but i always get in moods which i know every girl does but he doesnt deserve it half the time. he does way too much for me. im not sure what id do if i lost him. i still cant believe that its six months. i just cant wait to spend the day with him. he starts his new job today! well orientation for target and he'll start probably soon after. im so happy for him. i know its going to take away alot of our time together, but i know hes excited and he needs the job so yeah.. ill support him.. and once i know that everything is going to be okay, ill be completely happy for him. im really upset about next month. hes gotta jump on valentines day. i was really looking forward to valentines day and looks like ill be spending another one alone. every time i think things are going great and im going to have a wonderful valentines day, something happens. maybe next year.. and i wont get to see him for our 7 months which makes it worse because thats like two really important dates to me and i dont get to see him on either day. the army sucks. like they are good people but i hate the army taking him away from me on these types of days. i guess this is just something that i will have to learn to live with. oh well.. until then i guess ill just spend every day with him that i can and make it the best it possibly could

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Tuesday, January 4th, 2005
12:39 am
my daddy just madeee my birthday awesome! im having insurance issues and like its bad.. like i need to find new insurance people because state farm is making my insurance like super high because of my accidents and i havent saved money in a while so i dont have as much as id like to have right now for wheever i get new insurance people in february but yeah.. my dad said hes gonna give me $500 towards insurance for my next 6 months when the bill comes in which is awesomeee because now i DEF dont have to worry. that means i have like $1500 saved which is like enough til like august so i can save a little bit each month and be finee! and i WONT have to get a second job and roger was here at 12:00 and was the first person to tell me happy bday! im going shopping tomorrow and buying myself a nice present. im so excited. i cant wait. anddd hes taking me to get pancakes in the morning for breakfast and cheesecake bistro for dinner! im so happy

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Monday, January 3rd, 2005
12:57 am
not much has been going on. roger is still the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and he proves why i believe that every single day. not a day goes by where he doesnt make me feel like im special, loved, beautiful, and wanted. i am so happy we are together. he tried to quit work today. im scared if he does quit that we may drift apart but im just stupid. just like me thinking that hes gonna leave me when he finds a new job and starts school. im not sure why im scared hes going to leave me because i know its not going to happen.. at least def not anytime soon and hopefully not in the future. im excited about my bday on tuesday. just knowing that i get to spend the evening with the love of my life, my best friend, and her boyfriend just makes everything awesome. i think other people might be coming to have dinner with us too which i dont mind at all but im so happy roger is going to be there. i want other people to go.. im just not exactly sure who to invite. me and mike arent close at all anymore.. neither are me and michelle b. im not sure if i want lots of people from work coming or not. richie said hes probably going to come but i guess that depends on when our boss talks to him because if he talk to him before we go out to eat then im almost positive he wont show up. i dont know. i should go get some rest. my baby is coming over bright and early in the morning.. we are acutally going to do some fun stuff tomorrow. im excited. wooo

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Monday, December 20th, 2004
1:50 am
so today i had a huge scare. me and roger got into a minor something i dont know.. it wasnt a fight or disagreement but like.. we both kinda just got pissed at each other and stupid me thinks that its the end of our relationship just because thats what im used to. well i was at work and he was doing other crap and i called him to see if he could come in work then lots of drama and he ended up not having to come in. i was really upset cuz i figured id have to go all night without talking to him and stuff which made me upset because we still hadnt talked and stuff.. i decided i was going to call him and ask him to come in during the ceremony so i could see him and i called him and not even realizing that he was already in the kitchen. talked to him for a few minutes.. he assured me everything would be okay and he got me raising canes. hes so wondeful. then i text msgd him when the weddng was over and he was like 'well im on the westbank' and i was all upset because he said id get to see him when i got off work which i just assumed that he wasnt going to have time and he forgot about me and everything. he came to work like right around two hours after the wedding was over and i just wanted to cry. hes so great. im so stupid sometimes. i get aggervated about the stupidest things and one day its going to end up ruining the best thing thats ever happened to me. just thinking about him right now makes me want to cry. i want to just be in his arms and thats exactly where i'll be tomorrow

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Sunday, December 19th, 2004
1:59 am
christmas is almost here. im not sure if im excited or not.. i dont know why either. i mean i have everything i could possibly want and i get to keep him after christmas too which makes it even better but i dont know. i was soo excited but i still havent watched rudolph which sucks. i love that cartoon. i hurt my leg. im not sure what i did. roger said i prob just pulled something but it still hurts. makes me wanna cry. i still have to go christmas shopping. no clue what im getting anyone yet. rogers my main concern though. i want to get him something special.. something that i know he'll love. hes got til monday to tell me what he wants. he makes me so happy. im still waiting for something to go wrong in our relationship. theres no way i can be with someone for 5 months so far and not even have a fight or anything. its too perfect. we disagree sometimes or get aggervated but we still havent had a real fight. its wonderful being in such an awesome relationship.. not having to worry everyday if we will still be together tomorrow or not. hes actually letting me enjoy being in a relationship. its different. i love it. i love him. im so happy i get to spend these holidays with him.. christmas, new years, my bday, and valentines day. ive never had a good time on any of those holidays.. well a good time being in a relationship. i cant wait. i just cant wait until tomorrow when i get to see him again. thats why i love waking up every morning. the feeling is just so amazing. i cant wait. only like 8 more hours. love is great.. all because of roger.

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Wednesday, December 1st, 2004
11:49 pm
yeah so school sucks. well biology sucks. harper sucks. failed the test today which means i fail the semester. at least my other grades are good enough to make up for it.. well hopefully. if i do all the work that i can do, ill get all the points and ill make the grades. other than that things have been great. me and roger are great. hes awesome. im so happy hes here. hes making me feel so much better about the whole biology thing. i know its not gonna fly too well with daddy but im hoping he sees my other good grades and cuts me some slack. im gonna retake the class in the fall semester.. with a different teacher. i dont know what id do without roger right now. hes helping me so much in every way. i hope i can find a way to repay him and show him how much i appreciate him for everthing.

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